


The Perfectly Imperfect Life Of Carl Grimes

by WolfOfMiracles



Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Deal with it! :p, Hurt Carl Grimes, M/M, Not Beta Read, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Please comment!!!!, Sad Carl Grimes, Self Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, rarl - Freeform, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-22
Updated: 2020-06-15
Packaged: 2021-02-25 21:06:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 2,736
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21901969
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WolfOfMiracles/pseuds/WolfOfMiracles
Summary: Carl has gotten quite annoyed by now by everyone who tries to "act careful" around him, who hesitates around him. Just because of his suicidal behavior. Which doesn't even make sense. Just let himbe.This is his struggle story about how he tries to get what he wants - and if that doesn't work, how things go the way he wanted before all this started.
Relationships: Carl Grimes & Judith Grimes, Carl Grimes & Michonne, Carl Grimes & Rick Grimes, Carl Grimes & Ron Anderson, Carl Grimes & Sophia Peletier, Carl Grimes/Ron Anderson, Judith Grimes & Michonne, Other Relationship Tags to Be Added, Rick Grimes & Judith Grimes, Rick Grimes/Michonne
Comments: 10
Kudos: 22





	1. School Trip

**Author's Note:**

> Please dont read this if this is too much!  
> (WARNING! Triggers later in the story. Do not finish this if too much!)

Carl Grimes walks across the lawn, watching as others part in front of him.

He groans and turns at his normal spot, and heads straight towards school.

His best friend, Sophia comes across her lawn.

"Heya, sport" She teases, ruffling his hair. Of course, girls mature faster than boys, and Carl was still catching up with Sophia. "How are you today?"

"Good." he says."Fine, really."

Sophia grabs his arm, half to hold his hand, and half to check if he had hurt himself again in the past week. "Good." She says, and grabs his hand.

Carl groans and bumps her shoulder. "Hey!" She says, and bumbs him back. But then she gets serious.

"Carl, it's been only a week. They're still fresh." sSophia of course, was talking about his cuts across one of his arms. "Please stop. I miss _you._ Not… the other you."

He sigh and keep walking. "How's the recent crush, eh, Soph?" she frowns. "What?"

"Stop changing the subject, C. And don't call me Soph. Just call me 'S' like always." Carl laugh. "And the crush front is amazing! There's this guy named Joseph who is amaziingly cute!"

Just then, Carl stops in front of school. And there he is.

Ron. Carl's most stupid crush.

Not that anyone knew he was gay. He figured they had enough to worry about.

Carl starts into school, and passes Ron. Ron smiles. 

Carl skids to a stop and goes to Ron. Yes, Ron is one of Carl's friends. Well, his only friends are Sophia and Ron.

Ron hugs him.

_Awwwwwkwwaaaard._


	2. The Serious Walk Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carl walks home with Sophia, and tells her. See her reaction in this chapter!

Carl walks home with Sophia, her hand clasped in his.

"What's wrong?" she asks. "You've been quiet, and that is not like you." she turns to face him. _"Telll meeee"_

"I just… Sophia?" Carl asks, trying to keep calm.

"Yesssss?" Sophia says, urging him on.

"Sophia, I like… guys. And… ummm… I have-"

Sophia cuts Carl off.

"A crush?!" she squeals. "C! Why didn't you tell me you had a crush!"

"Uh… S, did you even hear me?" Carl demands. "That's sorta hurtful."

Sophia rolls her eyes. "You being gay doesn't bother me, C. What does bother me is that you never told me you had a crush!"

 _That's Sophia,_ Carl thinks. _Nothing matters but boys. And crushes. And her best friend._

"C'mon! Spill who!" Sophia was jumping up and down, tugging Carl's arm in the process.

"Rn…" Carl mumbles quietly.

"Okay, speak up Carl. I can't hear." Sophia says, putting her hands on her hips.

Carl clears his throat. "Ron." he says. "It's Ron."

Sophia's face turns into a disgusted look. "You… can do… MUCHO better than that." Sophia says slowly.

"I know, S… I can't help it!" Carl pleads. "Please don't be mad!

"I'm not mad, C. Just disappointed. Seeya tomorow, sport." Sophia stomps into her house.

Carl continues home, thoughts tangling up his mind.

He sits on his porch and waits for his dad to come home, ready to tell his mom and dad.

A/N: Sorry guys! it's a busy day and I don't have much time. Hope you liked it!


	3. Top Talk Of The Year

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carl meets up with Sophia and they talk about what happened before.  
> Sophia hints at something that might have happened between her and one very awesome Ron Anderson  
> (Ha lol jeez)  
> (but still!)

The next morning, Carl goes outside and waits by Sophia's door. He starts pacing, sorta worried that Sophia was still mad at him. 

"C?" He hears Sophia say. He brightens and smiles happily at her. She grins back. 

"Hi S!" Carl says brightly, holding his hand out. Sophia takes it gratefully. She looks down, sort of embarrassed about the way she had acted the day before. 

"Listen, C, I'm _SO_ sorry." Sophia says, peeking up at him. Carl looks at her, eyes softening in the way that he normally only gives her when he forgives her. 

"Sophia, I love you, okay? I love you. You are my best friend forever, so don't be upset." Carl says gently, squeezing her hand. "It's okay to be mad at me. I don't care. I never will." 

Sophia looks gratefully at him. Carl smiles at her, teasingly. 

"Now… who's the latest crush?" Carl asks jokingly. Sophia bumps his shoulder. 

"Ha! You can't know, Mr. Sneaky-pants!" Sophia lifts his arm in routine. She studies it before grabbing his other one. 

"Hey!" Carl says, and jerks away. Sophia gives him her "Mom Look" that says "Don't be unreasonable, child of mine." Carl reluctantly gives her his arm. 

"Ha!" Sophia laughs, throwing back her head maniacally. Carl suppresses his urge to do the same. 

They start walking to school, hand in hand, like always, when Sophia suddenly gets serious. 

"Y'know, C, I don't trust Ron." she says casually. Carl looks at her, perplexed. 

"I know." Carl says back. Sophia rolls her head to look back at him. Then she looks down. 

"I don't think I ever will again…" she mutters under her breath. Carl's eyes widened. 

They walk quietly to school after that, Carl pondering what that meant, and if, just maybe, he could pry the meaning from Sophia.


	4. ¿Cómo Estás?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sophia is in a rush to get to school, and does something on accident that makes Carl feel pain. The good pain, for him. Then, they leave and leave Ron standing still, staring after them. Carl and Sophia apologize to each other.

Carl waits anxiously outside of Sophia's house, chewing on his bottom lip. It was a habit that he couldn't break. It was painful, and the burst of pain was too good to stop. 

"Carl! ¿Cómo estás? ¡Lo estoy haciendo bien! ¿Te lastimaste?" Sophia's voice comes in a rush of Spanish. Carl looks at her and yelps as she starts tugging on his arm, dragging him towards school. "Are you okay? Sorry. Answer my questions!" Carl tries to stop, but fails. 

"I'm good! What was the second one?" Carl huffs. Sophia just keeps tugging on his arm and then, on accident, tightens her grip on his arm and a sudden rush of pain travels up Carl's arm. He smiles happily and halts. He sits slowly down on the sidewalk and rocks back and forth, reveling in the sudden pain. 

"Carl? Are you okay? The second question was 'Did you hurt yourself'… what did I do?" Sophia's panicked voice enters Carl's circle of peace. He ignores her, and her voice fades away. He thinks about his next move to continue hurting that spot on his arm. "Carl!" Sophia's faint voice says. 

"What's going on? Is he okay?" A new voice enters into the conversation. Carl hears Sophia mumbling something to the new person. "Carl? It's Ron? Are you okay?" the voice asks. 

_Ron!_

Carl jolts up, standing up abruptly. "I-I'm fine. Good…" He leans heavily on Sophia and waves to Ron and gives him a silly smile. "Hi Ron! We should go, S. School." They walk away, and leave Ron standing there, staring puzzled after them. All Sophia had told him was that Carl was in some sort of a trance.

"S, I'm so sorry." Carl whispers to Sophia as they make it to the entrance to school. Sophia sighs and nods, but worry was still reflected in her eyes. 

"C, I'm sorry. Lo siento, lo siento. I didn't mean to hurt you. Tù esta mi amigo, I didn't mean to. I grabbed to hard, didn't I?" Sophia murmurs back. Carl nods, feeling guilty. Why couldn't he handle the pain well anymore? Oh right. He had been diprived for so long. 

"It's okay, Sophi. Let's just get to class." Carl mutters. Sophia brightens and nods quickly. 

"Actually, that's why I did it. I have to ace a quiz in a test, so I can have good grades, so I can have my birthday party." Sophia explains. Carl's eyes widen. 

Yes! Sophia's birthday was soon! Carl nods and wishes Sophia the best of luck, and makes it to his class right before the first bell rings. He makes it through the first class with no mistakes, but the next one was… a bit more difficult. Carl started aching that for feeling of pain that Sophia had given him earlier. He excuses himself to go to the bathroom with his teacher's permission, and shuts himself in a stall. 

"No. Do not. Don't you dare betray Sophia like that." he says to himself. "Please… just let it go." he pleads with his body. Then he starts breathing heavy and shuts up when he hears someone else enter the bathroom. "Shh… shhhhh…" he whispers to himself. 

"Carl?" Oh. It was Ron. He shared the second class- math- with Ron. "Carl, I saw you go in here. Are you okay?" Ron asks. Carl curses quietly to himself. 

"I'm fine." Carl replies, but instantly regrets it. He had accidentally let the heavy breathing in his voice. It sounded like he was hyperventilating. Of which he sort of was. Okay, he was. Carl starts getting woozy, and he steps out of the bathroom stall. Ron's eyes widen as soon as he sees Carl. 

"Carl… I don't think you're okay…" Ron says uneasily. That's when Carl nods and agrees. Then he shakes his head, confused. Why was he saying something was wrong? Nothing was wrong. 

"I'm… f-fine…" Carl breathes.


	5. Maybe This Isn't The Time…

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carl and Ron are still in the bathroom, and after Carl gets over his dizzy spell, Carl tries to tell Ron _it._
> 
> As you can probably imagine, it doesn't work out very well. Carl thinks that maybe he just lost a very good friend (and crush)…
> 
> Has he?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the long delay! Life has been hard, and I can't log on often.

Carl breathes out, calming himself down. "Hey, at least you're not dizzy anymore." Ron tries to joke, but worry was still in his eyes. Carl smiles and nods. 

"Yeah. At least that. I'm okay. I'm okay…" Carl walks a couple of steps, and Ron follows him. "That was weird. It's never happened before. I don't know what happened." Ron makes a 'hmm' sound. Carl grabs his backpack off the floor, where he put it. "Why did I even bring this with me?" 

"Just in case someone stole it." Ron answers immediately. Carl shakes his head. 

"Right." he sighs. Then he turns to Ron, knowing that he'll proabably regret doing this, but going for it anyway. "Ron? I have something I want to tell you. Two things, actually." Ron pauses. 

"Uh… are you sure now is the right time? Alright, go ahead." Carl smiles softly at Ron. 

"I… I'm , well, gay." his voice drops lower on the last word. "But I don't like the title, soo…" Ron blinks and nods, encouraging him to go on. "And, well, I… you're… I l-like… you." Carl stammers. Ron's face doesn't change, and all he says is; 

"I _really_ don't think this is… maybe this isn't the right time." Ron tilts his head. "We should go. Lunch is soon. Don't you sit with Sophia for lunch? Yeah. Oh, and there goes the bell." The bell rings, and Carl sighs. Ron was brushing him off. Maybe this wasn't the right time… 

"Yeah, okay. C'mon." Carl rearranges himself and walks out of the bathroom by himself, lost in thought. 'This was a horrible idea…' Carl thinks. 'Why did I do this? This was stupid.' 

"C! Cómo estás?" Sophia asks Carl, grabbing his hand. Carl nods,but doesn't speak. "Yeah, I don't believe you. Why don'tcha just spend the night at my house tonight, okay?" 

"Alright, S. Whatever you say." Carl answers blankly. Sophia wouldn't stop him. She couldn't. Even with her cheerfulness or her sadness. Damn puppy-dog eyes. 

"Let's go!" Sophia urges, tugging Carl along with her, obviously being careful this time.


	6. Life Sucks…

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to the sleepover, people!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (0.0) be careful. Tread softly, okay? This chapter's not that bad, but it's in Carl's head a lot. Which means you can see his thoughts. Just be careful.

"Who was it again? Carl asks, as he and Sophia are walking to her house. "Wait, I need to stop at my house to get clothes and stuff. You know I can't sleep that well without…" Carl blushes a deep red immediately. Yes, Sophia knows about both things, but the second one is hella embarrassing.

"Okay!" Sophia chirps, giving him a knowing smile. Carl scowls, hating the heat gathered in his face. He is a stupid blusher. For one, it lasts for an hour, and for two, it's not just his cheeks. It's more like the comic books he reads. Anime and shit. All the way across his face, from his cheeks to his nose, across his nose to the other cheek. Maybe he should stop thinking about the word "cheek". It's a little awkward.

"Hello?" Carl calls into his house. Rick (His dad, obviously. Was it obvious?) appears and smiles. 

"Am I allowed to hug you, or are you too old for that?" he asks. Carl laughs. 

Dropping his backpack, and going over to hug his dad, Carl immerses in the thousands of thoughts swinging around in his head.

 _Going to Sophia's… what am I supposed to tell her? She'll expect a full report of what happened before lunch… she's like that. Oh, S. What a sweet soul you have. What a perfect best friend you've been… I'll defintely miss you. Definitely. And Ron… another good best friend. I'll miss him too. I wonder if I'll miss him more since he's also my crush? Today hurt. Today sucked. I wonder if the day could get more stupid. I hate all of this shit. Ugh…_

"I'm going over to Sophia's to spend the night, so I gotta pack. You gonna let me go?" Carl teases, returning to Earth. Ugh. Rick laughs and releases him. Then his face turns serious. 

"Carl," he starts, a slight warning in his voice, but mostly cautiousness. "Stay close to Sophia, okay?" 

If he hadn't heard this before, he wouldn't have knowwn what it means. But he's heard it hundreds of times. He and Sophia deciphered the meaning a while ago. Rick wants him to stay close to Sophia so he can't hurt himself, and if he does, Sophia will be right there. 

And every time, Carl gives the same answer; "As long as she's not in the bathroom with me," he knows that answer worries his dad, and Michonne. They think he'll use that advantage of being alone in the bathroom to "do stuff without thinking". Yeah, Rick and Michonne, don't think he hasn't heard your whispers!

At Sophia's house, Carl and Sophia are sitting on her bedroom floor, laughing over what someone said on the internet. 

"I'm gonna go to the bathroom," Carl announces, standing up. He grabs some stuff and smiles at Sophia. She smiles back. 

"Can I hold Mr. Banana Whiskers, then?" she pleads, and Carl has to say yes. 

Mr. Banana Whiskers is Carl's stuffed cat, the color of bananas, complete with brown splotches. Adorable green eyes. Sadly, Carl can't sleep without that damn stuffed cat. Speaking of… 

Once in the bathroom, Carl undresses and redresses in his pajamas, not daring to look in the mirror until his baggy three-sizes-too-big shirt is on. That's the second thing he can't sleep without. The shirt. It's light, loose, comfortable, and yeah, it's a little embarrassing if he forgets to put on new clothes before he goes downstairs at his house in the morning, but Rick and Michonne definitely don't mind. Neither does Judith. _Oh, Judith!_ Carl thinks, _I'm a horrible brother. I haven't said even one word to her in days! Fuck me fuck me fuck me fuck me… ew that's gross, shaddup, you. Ugh… what the hell is my problem? How dare me! Poor Judith! I'd bet life'd be better if I was gone. Does she hate me anyway? I would. I_ do. _I hate myself. Ugh, ugh, ugh, ugh… Argh! Dammit, you idiot… when you get back home, you should plead… or something… I don't know, just tell her you love her and please don't hate me and shit. Y'know, the works, then, if that doesn't work, then you know that she will be better off without you. Just tell yourself that._

Carl snaps out of his thoughts with a gasp. He realizes that now he's sitting on the floor with his arms around himself, leaning against the bathtub. 

He sees himself in the full-length mirror on the bathroom door and winces. He looks pathetic. Very, very pathetic. What an idiot. 

He stands up and winces again. His brain fills with things that are wrong with him, _You're too skinny, you look tired with those damn dark circles under your eyes, the blush is still there, dumbass, no wonder Ron doesn't like you. Your hair is limp, your hair is too knotted, your hair is too long, your arms and wrists are too skinny, all of you is too skinny, wow that's a lot of scars. If you just did one more injury, one that's fatal, you wouldn't have to be criss-crossed with scars everywhere. They're ugly on you. What were you thinking?_ Carl's eyes fill with tears, and he bites his lip to keep them from falling. _You're too pale… minus the anime-blush, of course. Which looks too deep red since you're so pale._

He sits back down, covering his face with his hands. One thought keeps coming back to him; 

_Life sucks, and then you die._

Suddenly, it has new meaning to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oof. Sorry about that chapter. Just to make up for it, I'll make a longer chapter next time ^^


End file.
